This post mentions difficult topics like bullying, and gender dysphoria, although I left out almost all of the potentially triggering details
Introduction
This post is effectively just me compiling my experiences on my growing up so that I can have something to look at and tell myself, "look at all the hard stuff I did." I think it could be useful however, to parents who want to help guide their children through the experiences of being transgender and having autism. It could also be helpful to other people who are going/have gone through similar things so that they can see that these challenges can be overcome and are not the end of the world.
When I was a child in school not that long ago, I was faced with many challenges. These included social isolation, homework, a lack of feeling of purpose, and anxiety. One of the biggest things that I remember affecting me as a child was thinking about large social events such as prom.
Why was prom so bad?
There were several main parts to this. One part was that I have hated formal attire for as long as I can remember. I didn't want to put on a suit, or tie, or button down shirt, because it made me feel out of place. I didn't want to be formal, I wanted to be me. At the time I didn't consider myself formal, I considered myself to be authentic and honest, and formal didn't seem to be compatible with that.
Another big problem was that I would have to hang out with a large group of people. At the time people seamed unpredictable. I was unable to predict in advance how other people would feel about what I said. In fact I felt so removed from the idea of socializing that I was unable to even predict the way that I would feel about something, or to determine why I felt that way. This led to me saying the wrong thing a lot. To compound this, I was very emotional, and so not knowing how I was feeling was an extra big problem.
Because of the frequency of saying the wrong thing, and me being very emotional and easy to get a reaction out of, I was also a prime target for bullying at all school functions, not only prom.
Finally, there were the girls. I simply couldn't bear to be around them. Ever since ~4th grade, whenever I saw a girl I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of smallness and wanting to disappear from the world and never come back.
The biggest outcome of this was that I spent most of the summer of 6th grade training myself not to talk to people, with the idea being that I wouldn't be able to feel bed after social interaction if I didn't have any. This tactic lasted several years before I realized it was stupid, and I have had to spend many more years trying to reverse the effects that I inflicted on myself that one summer.
Now that I am older and a bit more mature I recognize that many of these problems stemmed from me being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. At the time however, I didn't even know that I had autism. As far as I remember my parents never told me, and the first person to tell me that I had it was my first therapist that I got in 11th grade when I was totally falling apart mentally.
But that doesn't exactly explain my feelings when I was in vicinity of the other girls at school, so in order to explore that lets look at another example:
Swimming
I was well aware from gossip of my peers that the fitness program of the school had four parts, that rotated each quarter. One part was a traditional sports based gym class, another was fitness training with weights, the third was a classroom style lesson on health and the way the body works, and the forth was swimming lessons.
I already knew how to swim and was decent at it, but, like at prom, I was absolutely terrified of seeing those women in bathing suits. I could not stand the thought of it. I thought that this meant that I was attracted to the women of my age.
Although my guess about being attracted to the girls in my class was a fine one given the information I had at the time, I eventually learned that feeling attracted to someone is supposed to feel good. This certainly did not, so what gives?
Well, after many years of wondering that myself, I stumbled upon an idea: Transgender people exist.
What I know now
My relationship to this idea was hard at first. I was unable to think about it without feeling overcome with fear, and effectively blocking the thought out of my memory. However, with time, and being exposed to it through social media, I eventually learned to somewhat tolerate the thought.
The obvious question then when confronted with this idea is: Am I trans? Am I not? I quickly found that I was unable to easily prove either question had an answer of yes.
Through a lot of talking with people on social media, I was presented with a large amount of information about a world I had only just admitted existed. I then found myself afraid again. However, I couldn't resist to learn more. I kept coming back to seek the thrill that fear provided me with regard to trans people. And the more I learned, the more evidence I found that I was trans.
For example:
- Wearing a dress makes me feel incredibly alive in a thrilling sort of way.
- I had imaginary women friends in my head who I would sometimes pretend to be. This ended up going too far and I would sometimes feel as though I actually was them. This caused some problems sometimes, although was also quite fun.
- I hate choosing men's clothing, because it all feels so boring and ritualized. It makes it feel like I shouldn't be here, in the store, looking at whatever this is.
- I remember running around in the front yard as a child in a kimono that my dad had brought home from a business trip to Hawaii. I felt awesome in that.
- I just kinda feel better when I look in the mirror and I see a women. It's very hard to explain.
- Long hair is simply superior.
Anyway, now that I know I am trans, I have begun to use she/her pronouns for myself, and I no longer feel so small in front of women. I hope to continue this trend as I accrue more women's clothing, learn more about how to be a women, and make other changes. I am hoping that this will further alleviate some of the anxiety around formal attire, among other things.
Now that I know I have autism, I have also been able to practice and improve on social interaction over time. I now understand how I am feeling much better, and can predict others feelings decently well.
Conclusion
I hope that any parents or future parents reading this have been able to see my perspective on my own experiences growing up, and will be able to better help their own kids through these or similar challenges. The main thing I want you to keep in mind is that when your kid gets diagnosed with something, they should be told about it, and you should make sure they understand what that means. The other thing is that your child knows themselves best, and it was critical in my acceptance of my gender for my parents to be open to the idea, and not try to dismiss it or penalize it.
I hope that this article has been thought provoking and allowed you to better understand the struggles of modern day trans and autistic youth. Thanks for your attention, and if you have any questions feel free to contact me at the email address below.
Sincerely, Jessica Haines